Published on February 14th, 2013 | by Dean Hendry


How to avoid your Valentine being sick in their mouth

Man sitting on bench with Valentine's flowers

Knowing how to act on your Valentine’s date can be a minefield. [Dilantha Dissanayake]

Valentine’s dates are easy to get – it is impressing your date enough to get a second date that is the tricky part. Your potential future happiness rides on your success in the first instance.

The first date can be a minefield, but relax, we are here to help you combat this anxiety and make sure Cupid’s arrow hits the target like a harpoon of love.

First of all, with regards to paying, guys should pay for the first date – do not ask why – those are just the rules – gay couples, sort it out among yourselves.

Afterwards it should always be 50/50. Thanks to the marching suffragettes and bra burning feminists, everything is fair now in 2013, so cough up all you equally paid ladies. Guys should still hold doors open though, obviously.

Now here are some standard bulletproof dos and don’ts to the perfect Valentine’s first date.

DON’T Greet your date by pointing and winking at them, unless your name is ‘The Fonz’ as this will just most likely make them be a little bit sick in their mouths.

DO Give good eye contact when talking or listening to your date. No eye contact just screams lack of confidence and no one finds that attractive. Unless of course your date is prone to acts of domestic violence, then it is ideal.

DON’T Give eye contact when not talking or listening to your date – that counts as staring. Your date will get freaked out by it and worry about whether they brought their rape alarm.

DO Tell your date they look good. Perhaps drop a subtle compliment when you first see them like a simple “you look nice.” Try not to be too enthusiastic though – like an “OOOFFTT!” followed by a compliment regarding any parts of their body. You really do not want to risk sounding like Keith Lemon or that you have just come out of prison.

DON’T Compliment your date on obscure facts that you only know because you Facebook-stalked the shit out of them – it is so creepy.

DO Have a get out now clause, because sometimes there is no point flogging a dead horse and wasting everyone’s time. If the other person’s face or voice is having a nerve gas-like effect on you, leave. Text a friend and ask them to call you up in the middle of the date crying about some real personal bullshit stuff that they need you to console them with instantly. Tell your date that you obviously must comply swiftly as they have previously made two failed suicide attempts and you can hear Adele’s Someone like You playing full blast in the background. Probably best to change your number.

DON’T Agree to meet up anywhere remote like woods or on an abandoned golf course. Also if they turn up wearing gloves and a balaclava, instantly call it off. Chances are they are carrying a concealed weapon. So do not hang around and ask that old cheesy question ‘is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me,” because the answer will probably be yes to both. Run like Forrest.

DO Laugh at their jokes, even if they are rank. It makes the other person feel funnier and therefore more relaxed which can remove tension and perhaps later underwear. Result.

DON’T Drop peadophile jokes or any jokes that begin with “I’m not racist or anything but…” because you are most likely are being racist. No-one was ever turned on by a pedophile joke, unless they are on a national register of some sort and if so – good luck with that.

DO Avoid clichés.  Balloon, chocolates, flowers, violinists, its all old-hat, go for something simple or original. People who go to Paris on Valentine’s Day are not romantic, they are beyond cheesy and deserve to be mugged and have their shins kicked. Make sure it is special but not useful, like  champagne and oysters, not Oyster cards – that is not romantic, it is depressing.

DON’T Get emotional, sad and desperate. Valentine’s Day turns the people of the world into romance Nazis and makes single people feel like lepers, which then makes them panic and make poor life choices in their quest for romance. If it all goes wrong do not go home, get drunk and Facetime your ex, it DOES NOT makes complete sense. Just eat a load of ice cream and watch a DVD – something suitable like Schindler’s List. Repeat chant ten times to the universe: “I WILL eventually meet someone! I WILL not die alone!”

DO Get a cat.


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